040509
if only you can read my mind.
its been one year. technically, one year and a day because its past midnight.
we had dinner over at grandma's. somehow the atmosphere seemed sombre and a tad heavier than usual. no one talked about him. no one lament over anything in particular. no one did anything out of the ordinary.
we have the grandmother rushing us to 'come eat and finish the food'. we have the aunties asking the young ones how to operate their latest tech toys. we have the males reading newspapers or watching the telly after dinner. we have the kids being drawn to the wii and the computer. we even have desserts. its as if everyone just came together without 'that' reason. its as if everyone tried to ignore because its more convenient.
at 8, however, it happened. everyone of us gathered at the altar, and prayed. we did the Divine Mercy prayer in English and another prayer in Teochew. its been almost more than half a year since we last did it, but somehow it felt close to each of our hearts.
close, almost raw feeling, like the unfortunate just happened not too long ago. the prayer, like a key, was the cue to let the facade go. some started letting their tears fall, some bit it back. without a doubt, everyone missed him.
i miss him. badly. when i close my eyes and willed my fences away, i can almost see the whole re-enactment of that day in my head. it doesnt get easier to cope, or swallow. it doesnt really sink in.
how can someone so present in your life just stop being there. everytime when i feel brave enough to let my thoughts wander to him, i end up shutting myself from the world. because in the real world, he doesnt exist anymore. in the real world, i cant feel his presense, i cant hear him, i cant touch him and i cant even see him. in the real world, anything that associates with the void that he left me with brings about heartache.
immense sadness, and tears.
but the world still goes on. nothing stops for change. nothing stops for loss. everyone in the family still goes to work and school, still argues when there are disagreements, still laugh and meet up. we still celebrate major holidays together, we still (try) to have the same fun.
of course, life for my family still stays more or less the same, albeit the omission of Father's Day and the oldman's birthday (which have more or less become taboos).
life sucks like that.
and before you know it, its a new day. its already the 5th of May.
if only you can read my mind.
its been one year. technically, one year and a day because its past midnight.
we had dinner over at grandma's. somehow the atmosphere seemed sombre and a tad heavier than usual. no one talked about him. no one lament over anything in particular. no one did anything out of the ordinary.
we have the grandmother rushing us to 'come eat and finish the food'. we have the aunties asking the young ones how to operate their latest tech toys. we have the males reading newspapers or watching the telly after dinner. we have the kids being drawn to the wii and the computer. we even have desserts. its as if everyone just came together without 'that' reason. its as if everyone tried to ignore because its more convenient.
at 8, however, it happened. everyone of us gathered at the altar, and prayed. we did the Divine Mercy prayer in English and another prayer in Teochew. its been almost more than half a year since we last did it, but somehow it felt close to each of our hearts.
close, almost raw feeling, like the unfortunate just happened not too long ago. the prayer, like a key, was the cue to let the facade go. some started letting their tears fall, some bit it back. without a doubt, everyone missed him.
i miss him. badly. when i close my eyes and willed my fences away, i can almost see the whole re-enactment of that day in my head. it doesnt get easier to cope, or swallow. it doesnt really sink in.
how can someone so present in your life just stop being there. everytime when i feel brave enough to let my thoughts wander to him, i end up shutting myself from the world. because in the real world, he doesnt exist anymore. in the real world, i cant feel his presense, i cant hear him, i cant touch him and i cant even see him. in the real world, anything that associates with the void that he left me with brings about heartache.
immense sadness, and tears.
but the world still goes on. nothing stops for change. nothing stops for loss. everyone in the family still goes to work and school, still argues when there are disagreements, still laugh and meet up. we still celebrate major holidays together, we still (try) to have the same fun.
of course, life for my family still stays more or less the same, albeit the omission of Father's Day and the oldman's birthday (which have more or less become taboos).
life sucks like that.
and before you know it, its a new day. its already the 5th of May.
posted by kcat at
4:04 AM
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